14 Weeks, 2 Days.
Waking up still sucks. I don’t think I’ve had a decent night sleep all of 2019.
I usually wake up at 3 or 4 a.m., drink some water, then I try to go back to bed.
I never do.
I just lay there. My brain constantly attacking me with depressive thoughts. Then anxiety thoughts. Then I wonder about life and keep thinking of what way to go. Or the way I’ll go. Suicide is still in my mind. Not like I’m going to do it. I haven’t figured out how to do it in a painless manner not only for me but for the ones around me.
Mom is gone. So it doesn’t matter.
The rest, I feel the need to have closure before anything. And I’m not going to get it. And there’s no way to have an absolutely painless death by suicide.
I just want to sleep. And that’s it.
So it’s not like I want to kill myself. I just want to sleep forever.
I lay there. Trying to go back to bed.
Trying to have happy thoughts.
And fly like Peter Pan.
It sort of works. I met a girl. I tried to attack my negative thoughts with fantasies about her. She’s real pretty. She’s also not real.
Meeting people online feels very natural. I saw her face, across Instagram, and I messaged her.
Ok. Not that simple.
She liked a bunch of my pics. Out of nowhere. I think that’s how it started.
Then I followed her cuz hey, she’s pretty, and a chef. Saw a story. Replied with a sad message. And it went from that.
So to attack my negative thoughts, I like to think happy thoughts. She made me smile several times with silly stuff she wrote and drew.
But negative thoughts win. Because I know it’s not going anywhere. We don’t even live in the same city…
I nicknamed Palm Giraffe.
I have a problem nicknaming girls…
Speaking of not being in this city!
That’s one little thing that keeps me happy.
Eat, Pray, Love.
Eat, Drink, Love. Better.
Eat and drink… then love?
That’s the only thing that I want to do.
Eat and drink.
And drink and eat.
That was my Sunday. I did nothing but drink and eat. Watch Gallos play against Veracruz and win. The lights went out at Nelson, so I missed the first 20 minutes of the game while mariachis sang in the dark with only some candlelight.
After that, I craved the new three cheeses burger at Norte Brewing Co.
This post should be for Tijuana Adventure. I will copypasta it and post it on Instagram.
It’s an iPhone pic, so it’s not the best. I need a small mirrorless with wifi to carry everywhere. iPhone X is still killer, but nothing compares to a real camera.
And for that… I NEED MORE MONEY!
I’ve been working tons… Tomorrow I send my payment request. And I have to figure out how much they are paying me because I’ve had a busy week with tons of photo shoots.
That’s what I did on Saturday. I had to attend a street fair for work. Take a few pictures. Send them over.
It wasn’t my best shoot. I was tired. And the fair wasn’t the best.
Here’s a picture someone took of me after taking pictures of them.
I got to hang out with a pretty girl, drink beer, and take pictures. Watch me complain.
Also, I renewed my press pass… and kept the old picture.
Sunday my gaybor wanted me to take pictures of his play. Sorry gaybor :( I truly am. But I was too tired to be working with the camera again. I just wanted to eat and drink. And drink and eat.
It’s gonna be May.
My coffee is shitty. I need to thaw the bacon. I forgot to buy detergent and I need to do my laundry. My mom’s room is not completely done yet. It’s still difficult to go in there…
Call from work.
Now I have a photo shoot tomorrow at noon.
And one on Wednesday. And another one on Thursday. And text to finish. And I did a handful of photoshoots last week. And work on sales.
This paycheck better be good.
And after this… I have Gator by the Bay to take care off. Already decided who is going to be my second shooter. Which is also really good money.
Then my birthday. Which I hate. Mom knew that I hate my birthday. But she would always cook me my favorite meal.
For the past few years have been her chile rellenos. Not any chile relleno. Hers. She made a bomb tomato sauce with onions and her chile rellenos are the best.
Previous years were ravioli. When I was a kid I fucking loved ravioli. Still do.
I miss her cooking.
It’s gonna be May.
May is a busy month.
And at the end of it, I’m gone.
May 22nd I land in Mexico City. That same night I plan to grab the bus to Querétaro. I should be there on Wednesday night.
The problem with that… No one has really offered me a place to stay as they have in Mexico City. All my friends have families now. They can only afford to get drunk one of the nights. Not all of them.
My first kiss reached out to me.
My very first kiss.
I was fourteen. She is a couple months older than me. I remember that night with great detail. I find it hilarious that decades later we still talk. I remember how I ate Indy Dedos (spicy Mexican candy) and she offered me gum and I rejected it. I was that oblivious. She forced gum into my mouth at some point. Oh. She wanted to kiss. Oh. This feels wet. Oh. So that’s what a kiss is.
Then she held my hand. And oh boy was that teenage me excited. I’m sure it was noticeable in the seem of my pants. Yep. I was harder than a Geodude (that’s a Pokémon, you nerd).
It’s hilarious that she’s from “the next town over.” I remember telling my friends the next day. But there was no proof. She was from the next town over…
And she lives there now. After living all over the place. She loves LA and San Diego but loathes Tijuana. If I lived just 5 miles north from where I live now… she would have already visited me.
I still love Tijuana.
Though I can’t wait to get the fuck out.
So for now… the plan is to grab an Airbnb for the both of us. Querétaro for a few nights, the weekend, try all the beer, hang out with all my friends (impossible, too many), drink Dr. Che’s Kombucha, and be merry.
Then San Miguel de Allende because there is some beer there as well and plenty of Gringos that I might find some sort of gig. Then my friend’s dad’s ranch, hoping for quiet, disconnect from the world, and some astrophotography. And the rest Mexico City.
12 days total.
Let’s see what happens.
German TV reached out to me. They want to use one of my pictures in this blog for a show. It’s the Stevie Wonder picture. From this post. I asked for money. I wonder if they will do that or simply run the pictures from my website.
A lot of work.
It’s POST 500!!!!