I don’t have time for this.
I don’t have time for love.
“But you wanted a girlfriend.” I did not. I want you, not a girlfriend.
I don’t have time for this. I keep telling myself. July is not even over… It’s been a long month. I feel like I lived through a lifetime with her in such a short time. I cried. I loved. I got heartache. I played guitar. I wrote riffs. I wrote lyrics in my head.
Cheap poet.
Her body is a rollercoaster. And so was this short-lived relationship.
I’ve been here before. Most of my relationships have been ephemeral. I never know why. Too intense. Too romantic. Too sensitive. Too honest.
I don’t have time for this. I made time for her. Time that I didn’t have. I wanted to quit it all. Jobs. Tours. Everything just to spend more time with her. And it was expensive. She hates that word. But July was expensive. I’m glad I’m making more money, otherwise, I would be broke as fuck.
I don’t have time for this. I need to finish a book before the year ends. I need to open the Tijuana Adventure Curios shop before the year ends. I made an appointment to get my Mexican government ID. Start a real Mexican life with a real Mexican business. And still keep all my American stuff. Two nationalities. Two incomes. Busier life.
I don’t have time for this.
I don’t have time for this again and again. I wrote the above before July ended. August started fast. It’s now the middle of August.
I fly to Minnesota in a few days. I haven’t finished this blog. I haven’t touched my book that I want to finish before the year ends. And my boss decided to open another restaurant. Which means more social media.
I have less time. But more work. More income.
She said I couldn’t hurt her.
Good. That makes things easier. She can hurt me. She did hurt me several times. And though she said that… I know she is not telling the truth. We’re both too sensitive.
I miss her. I miss touching her face.
But we can be trouble together.
She’s gone to Baja.
I’ll be gone to Minnesota. We haven’t talked in two weeks. I don’t have time for love. I was finding time for her.
And I still look at our photographs and think, “damn, we look good together!”
Is it worth it? The pain? The time? The money?
I’m not sure. I just know I miss her.
I told her I loved her. She said it back. It had only been a couple of weeks. And we were intoxicated with love, alcohol, and more. Intertwined. And one little thing would break the illusion, and she would get angry at me and call me a white boy.
The first time she threatened to take my cat because I made a dumb comment. I told her to get out. At some point, I said a stupid suicide joke. She slapped me hard. She didn’t like that. I’ve never been hit like that before. I was scared, then turned on, then confused.
I cried in public at a bar that I hate at 3 am. I told her that love is scary. And it is.
She got really mad at me one morning and for what seems to me idiotic. I woke up at around 7 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. When this happens, I tend to mindlessly scroll TikTok until I can sleep again. I occasionally open Instagram and scroll for a few minutes and hit like on whatever appears, especially if it’s a post by a friend.
There was a post by a girl that modeled for me once. I have no interest in her. I didn’t even see the whole video. She wants to be a model and an actress, she has a lot of work to do. But I missed taking pictures, so I agreed to do a session. It went fine. Could’ve been way better, but she got there late. And since then, I just hit like on whatever she posts to show support.
Most people that I’ve worked with, I tried to support them with a like here and a comment here and there. It doesn’t cost me anything, and it helps the algorithm. I hope they do it back.
But this time she saw that I hit like. I was up at 7 am hitting likes on a random girl, but I didn’t say good morning. A wall of text breaking up with me because I’m up in the morning hitting like on women. The irony is that since I met her, I’ve been training my algorithm to show me fewer posts of women. I’m not even attracted to the one I hit like. And there’s a huge difference between a goddess and a girl.
I like my goddess, but it comes with red flags.
I gave her all the princess treatment that I could muster. It didn’t seem to be enough.
It sounds like I’m playing the victim, but I’m not innocent. I carry my stack of red flags as well. I broke up with her for no reason either. On a drunken night with her sister and another friend… she left me. And it hurt. She was just accompanying her sister back. But in my drunken stupor, it hurt. And I told her that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
We haven’t talked in weeks. Yet I can’t stop thinking and talking about her. About us. And the scary danger that is to be intoxicated with love. After all, it’s a drug that we all chase. I’ve been there before. At the end, it all passes. And we have to move on.
I fantasized about us together. I saw the potential. But there are also a lot of scary demons on the way to that potential. And at the end, it all passes.
I have more social media posts to do. I have a tour on Friday. Nothing on Saturday, but tours tend to appear out of nowhere. And then, I’ll fly to Minnesota.
I had a bachelor party tour last weekend. It was two nights, though I only charged them for one (I offered the first one for free, that was my bad). It went well. Classic. Not too insane. I didn’t get much of a tip, but I made new friends/fans of my work. They bought my book. And I’m sure I’ll see them again to buy more of my merch and whatnot.
I had a tour with Australians. That lasted less and gave me a nice tip. Aussies are fun. “I could never live in this city,” said the main Aussie as I said my goodbyes.
I did a Toros baseball adventure tour. I fucking love going to the stadium, and the group was great. It went late, and they could have kept going, but I was exhausted.
They were both great groups. But Tijuana tours are killing me. I’ve said I’m going to quit for years… and I keep doing more.
Tijuana is insane.
I continue to consume her.
It continues to consume me.
July was the Messiest. What a Messi World Cup. What a Messi month.
Fuck Messi.
I used to like him. But after this World Cup… I loathe him. I used to dislike Cristiano Ronaldo, and now he seems better. I hung out next to Cristiano Ronaldo by the Beverly Hills Hotel pool. The story is in this blog somewhere (and in my book).
I used to like Argentina’s team. Fuck that shit. They are all horrible. Dibu played a great game, but fuck him as well. And it’s not like I favor Spain much. Fuck Spain as well. But it was way better than Argentina.
Fuck FIFA. It wasn’t a bad World Cup. After all, the beautiful game rules supreme. Even when late-stage capitalism tries to corrupt it all. The beautiful game withstood and it was a great tournament.
What a fucking July.
Halfway through August now. In a couple of months, 2026 is over. By December 2026, Tijuana Adventure Curios Shop and Non-Official Tourist Information Kiosk should be open.
Shirts, hats, prints, books, souvenirs, art, and much more.
I have to write another book for the grand opening.
I need an investment of at least 5k. Perhaps more. It shouldn’t be a problem. People like my shit. People like Tijuana. Now I have to capitalize on all of it. More money will come.
This post needs a picture.
There was a lightning storm in Tijuana. I captured a couple of frames from my window. I only caught 3 lightning strikes, and they were kind of far. But it’s a full-frame modern camera, the crop doesn’t look that bad.
The full frame looks way better than this. It might be worth a print. But because I need to compress files for this blog… it looks more pixelated than it should.
And I did move the tripod a bit. You can see some shake on the lights behind. But that’s okay. It gives it more magic.
Besides not having time.
I’m often exhausted. Running social media seems like an easy gig. But it’s mentally draining. By the time I’m done with all the posts, I have no more creativity for my own. It’s demanding work, though it doesn’t seem like much. Getting burnt out, but not enough to quit or ask for more money yet.
I have to cross the border today. Not much to do. Send a shirt and hang out for a bit. Sorry for the delay, Bryan! Your shirt is sent today.
I have plenty of shirts to sell. Buying a bunch of sleeveless shirts was the wrong choice. I have more than 30 in stock. Not much else besides that. I fly in a couple of days, and that has me nervous. I haven’t been to Minnesota in 10 years. I have no real plan. My best friend from college is getting married, so he will be too busy to cater to any of my shit. I have friends there… but we’re all adults now. Shit to do. Busy work. I have enough for hotels or Airbnbs, but I rather save that money. It will be alright I know. It will be alright.
I need to travel more.
Thanks for reading. Catch the blog again before leaving for Minnesota.
Don’t forget to follow me on all social media!
NEW TIKTOK cuz I was banned for no fucking reason fuck.
Follow me on Instagram and book me for a photoshoot!
Subscribe to my Patreon to support me and to get full-size galleries and photo albums!
Subscribe to my Substack, HERE! This blog makes me no money.
Subscribe to my YouTube channel. The more subscribers, the more money, the more time I have to upload cool shit.
Facebook is the only one that pays me, and it’s the only one I don’t promote. Like my Facebook!
Read all my articles on the Reader. It is no longer printing! 148 covers and a dozen cover stories in print are now history.
Matingas 
Leave a comment