Wallow in Sadness – Donatella Died, She Left – That’s Life, Sinatra Way

I said life was like Sinatra. Life continues the Sinatra way.

This time I’m down.

I’ve done nothing for the past five days. Unless you count playing Overwatch 2 for endless hours and getting drunk doing something. Then… I’ve been doing a lot.

Nothing productive.

I took my car to the mechanic. He says she’s fucked. My car is a she. Her name is Donatella. The mechanic says fixing it will cost around $400-500. She needs a new engine. A year and some ago, he said the same thing. He told me he was going to get a new engine, but couldn’t find one so he decided to fix it. He charged me almost $1,000. It was during pandemic times. Maybe he needed the cash and overcharged me. Perhaps that was the best he could do. I barely have enough money to fix her again.

October was alright. So I have some cash. There is nothing for the end of October. There is one thing in November. Beer photoshoot. My friend and sensei writer, Chad, got the gig for me. He works at a brewery, and he is managing their social media, he told them I’m the best for pictures.

It will be a fun job with tons of beer and food. I’m excited.

That’s the only thing I have in November. I need way more. And at the end of November, I fly to Mexico City. I need cash to enjoy my vacay down there. GET TO WORK.

I’ll write another cover story in the next two weeks and that should cover me for November. I should write more.

That’s life. Work seems like it will be fine now.

And now love is gone.

I have no idea what happened. She says she loves me. But I don’t satisfy her. She says it sucks to be my girlfriend.

So she broke up with me. This is not the first time. She told me before that she thought about leaving me. I don’t get it. I love her. She says she loves me. But she just came over yesterday and told me it’s over.


Like she didn’t want to break up at all.

I have a feeling that she doesn’t want to. But I don’t know what to do.

When she told me this… I felt somewhat similar to when my mom died. Not the same pain. Not at all. That pain is never going to be the same.

But like… I went in shock. Like, what’s next? I guess I’ll keep doing what I was doing. I was doing nothing. Just drinking and playing Overwatch 2. So I did that.

When my mom died, after a while when the pain went numb for a second. I thought: “Now what? I am supposed to deliver the Reader around Tijuana.” That was one of my jobs. And I thought… I was just going to do that.

Obviously, I didn’t.

I’ve been lonely since then. It’s going to be four years now. I finally thought I wasn’t that lonely. I had someone that wanted to be with me for just being me.

We watched Jeopardy together. I used to watch Jeopardy with my mom. I’m good at Jeopardy. Not at every game, but in some games I just dominate. And my girlfriend would look at me all proud that I’m somewhat smart and give me a kiss. It was a familiar feeling that I like.

Ex-girlfriend. I don’t want to call her that.

She also says that she felt familiar just hanging out with me. Videogames and music. I cooked her dinner or whatever she wanted. I bought wine or beer depending on the night.

While watching Jeopardy or doing other things in the living room, she doodled this:

While we hung out, she just started drawing on the back of a poster of my Tijuana picture. I think it’s great. I framed it. And now it sits on my shelf. With my collection of memories of friends and lovers past.

I thought everything was going great.

But not for her.

I don’t satisfy her.

I feel shitty. Somewhat useless.

So… I don’t want to fuck around with love for a while. When we started dating, I deleted the dating apps. And I sorta missed them. Not because I talked to girls there or anything. I just like swiping left and right and seeing who would match me. I have no desire to go back to that. I have no desire to be with anyone else…

For now.

It’s going to take a while.

Or who knows.

I feel like we’ll get back together… And if we don’t. Then fuck. That was my third love. My fifth or sixth girlfriend. And my… I don’t even want to count how many women I’ve been with. But I never loved anyone like I love her.

Who will want to date this weirdo?

I miss her already. I wish I understood shit. I have no idea what I was supposed to do. Or what I’m supposed to do.

I’m so lost.

Always with the same feeling of what the fuck am I doing with my life. Thirty fucking six years old going on thirty-seven. And I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life.

I still want to leave Tijuana. I still want to move to Ensenada. And make my living with beer and photography. I’m too many things at once.

I’ll go back to concentrating on myself. Love consumes me. And I forget how to exist.

Another day of nothing. And it seems like my next days are just going to be nothing. It’s Halloween weekend. There are a bunch of costume parties. I love Halloween. It’s my favorite. I have no desire to go out or do anything. I just want to continue to drink, play Overwatch, and wallow in sadness.

Nothing to do this weekend. A lot of things to do this weekend. I’ll force myself to have fun. Let’s see how that goes.

It’s Halloween on Monday. I’m going to take a lot of pictures. That’s a thing I love to do every year in Tijuana. That won’t change.

I still have no idea what I did wrong or what I didn’t do. I woke up with “Mis Ojos Lloran Por Ti” in my head. I learned it on guitar and just recorded myself playing…

The lyrics to that are accurate to what I’m living right now. Our love faded away for no reason. I have no idea why she doesn’t want to pursue our love. She says she’s given me time and chances. But I have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to do…

And she doesn’t text back. She won’t, I know her. But I don’t know what will happen next.

I don’t like my bed without her. It was us two and the cats. And that’s how I like it.

My bed is unmade. I never make my bed.

I should clean the sheets and make the bed less cute than it is right now. It looks like a bed for a couple. I want it to look like a bed of a single man again.

Winter is coming. The weather in TJ gets weird. Cold and hot at the same time. It gets dark way sooner. By 6 pm I’m already on my second beer. Double IPAs keep me afloat. Beer is getting more expensive. Everything is getting more expensive.

I need some SEO words in here to appear in case people are looking to hire me.

I need more work! Or subscribe to my Patreon if you like my work. I have a massive gallery of almost 2,000 pictures that I’ve taken throughout the year in what I call the yearly dump. Pictures of everything and anything. Of the city. Drone pictures. Food pictures. Celebrity pictures. All that is in my Patreon.

Support me on Patreon if you like this blog. Here is my 2022 Photo Dump. If you like what you see, give me money.

If you want to hire me, email me at Matingas@gmail.com

What do I do?!

A bit of everything. Photography is my bread and butter. But I also do tours in Tijuana and in Ensenada. I’m a translator. I am an influencer. I do videos. I fuck around with drones. I’m very good at flying drones. I could use more drone work. I drink a lot of beer. So if hiring me includes beer, that’s pretty dope.

I did an X-mas photoshoot with a family. For my fourth Instagram… Baja_Bodas. I wanted that to be somewhat of “our” Instagram. Partner up with her and grow a cutesy photography business. But now it’s just me again.

The family was awesome. They wanted to drink beer and have family X-Mas pictures in Tijuana. Adriana found me in the weirdest of ways. She saw my video that went viral of a woman punching a traffic cop in la pinche línea. Then she looked me up and saw that I do pictures and emailed me.

I was nervous when I met them, but as we started chatting and drinking beer, it got way better. It was a great time and I send them a bunch of pics for their X-Mas posts and cards!

I want more of that. Hire me for that. Hire me for whatever shoot you can think of. Or for a tour. Or just give me money.

I think about re-opening OnlyFans but on that page now instead of my Patreon. My Patreon has that high tier if you want to see me naked. There are only a dozen pictures. There used to be more, but Patreon doesn’t allow pornographic photos. I guess you can see me naked, but not erect. That’s why OnlyFans. But at the same time, I shouldn’t.

I do need money. But more gigs, please.

TOURS are also live. Let’s go drink beer and talk beer. I know a lot about beer in Baja. And also, people pay people just because they are influencers, correct?

So yeah. Hang out with an influencer! But buy my beers and give me money.

That’s… the plan. Sort of.

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