My therapist says that I am doing better. I guess I only told her all the good shit that has been happening and skipped all the horrible shit.
I’ve spent two days sober this whole year. And not completely sober. I mean just no alcohol. Those nights, I couldn’t sleep and had suicidal thoughts. So much that when I woke up, I realized I had been googling the best ways to kill myself. When you do that shit, you get a bunch of pages that say not to do it instead of help in how to do it (no shit).
As the day goes by, I usually start to feel better with some spikes of anxiety attacks. Manic depressive life.
Anxiety mixed with depression. Financial woes and my mom is gone.
Those two always hit me hard.
It’s been two years and a month. I still don’t get how anyone gets over losing their loved one. And I never loved anyone as much as I love my mom. Lately, I’ve been trying to disconnect my mom as just my mom and trying to see her as the person that she was. I have so many questions. So much more that I want to know. I miss her so much.
And then I see no point in living.
But here I am.
Trying to just keep going.
Always feels like I have a shit ton of weight on my shoulders though it’s not much compared to so many others.
I got a bunch of free beer from Aztec Brewing on Thursday.
That made me happy.
I drank some that same day and I have two waiting in my fridge.
I also got beers from Craft Beer Club. It’s too expensive and not worth it. I tried canceling my subscription but I got no response. So they sent more beer. I should try canceling it again.
A new episode of Drinking Beer with Matingas. Already #30.
New video blog every Friday.
New blog post on my website every Tuesday. I usually write them on Monday… I didn’t do shit yesterday except for some laundry and saw my friend Benny. After that, I headed downtown with my drone. I saw Joe a popular chef in the city drinking coffee outside his place. I delivered him a print of my photo-framed DIY for $150 Saturday (and met a pretty girl in the process). He owed me $100 of those $150. He paid it right away.
I sold the same type of print to my friend Joshua.
And I gave Tony Tee the four prints he requested.
I spent my week making and delivering prints. I feel like I spent around $300 to make $500. Not the best earnings at all. I also worked two gigs for the Magazine which is also a nice chunk of change whenever I work for them.
Things should get better.
I paid some taxes on Monday. That felt shitty. I have to do taxes again soon. That is going to be shitty.
Financial concerns cause me major anxiety.
Things should get better.
I had photoshoots in January that I haven’t posted until now.
This is Saraby.
And this is Abril.
And more Abril:
And more Saraby!
And even more Abril:
How did this happen?
How did these two girls end up in my studio apartment?!
I occasionally comment on girls that follow me and I follow them “hey, we should have a photo shoot.” Tirar chicle y a ver si pega. It worked with Saraby. She said we shall. We set a date and she arrived in her purple Mustang that has a huge sticker of her Instagram: @SARABYDIAZ.
I honestly thought it was “Sara by Diaz.” Saraby it’s not a normal name.
She arrived in regular clothes and two huge bags. I set the Elinchrom studio lights while she got ready to pose. After trying a few different outfits and angles and couple hundred pictures, we were going to do one more shoot. Natural light and lingerie. I fucked up my settings at the beginning. Somehow the EV changed to a higher value and my shots were blown. I apologized for my mistake and we continued shooting.
All credit goes to Saraby. She just looks amazing in red. I could be shooting with my iPhone and would still get incredible results.
At first, Saraby didn’t like her pictures, which depressed me. Abril is Saraby’s friend. She loved the pictures and has previously worked with multiple photographers. She sent me dozens of messages with a ton of different ideas. On the day of the shoot, she got obsessed with pasting silver-tape all over her body. She arrived several hours later than the according time, but she kept me updated on everything she was doing (tape, make-up, hair, and more).
Abril is more to the point and more demanding. I didn’t need to direct and I was a bit nervous. As soon as I showed her the first few frames, she was happy and loving it. We only took around 200 pictures and I edited it down to 128. I usually pick less than 1/4 of the shots… but with this shoot, there were too many good ones.
All credit goes to Abril. She came up with the idea and executed it all. All I did was set up the lights and settings in my camera and shoot.
A month later, I’m finally posting them. After posting some drone pictures that got popular. My Instagram account is now what I said it would be. A nothing-burger. A bit of it all.
Both girls have been super supportive and have been spreading my work. Other profiles have been spreading my work. My following grows which is weird but also the point if I want to sell pictures.
I wanted to go print something today, it’s getting late… I should do that before it gets too late.
This post needs a featured image. Here’s both Saraby and Abril:
I have nothing on my schedule. Both girls told me they would book another photoshoot (I had one with Abril but canceled). There have been teasers of doing a photoshoot of them together. That would be very interesting.
I don’t have the best incentives right now, but trust me, they will come. Especially access to my prints since there’s been some demand for that. Other than that, whatever patrons want. Thanks to my patrons!!!
I should give tours again. My patrons shall have access to special tour goodies.
This is the idea.
$100 or more for a brewery hopping tour around downtown Tijuana (walking tour). Beer and food included and at the end of the tour, an original tote bag with a print of the city, a copy of my book, and a six-pack of beer. 4-8 people only.