I woke up more depressed than I usually am.
More than I have been in a year. My heart feels heavy and everything annoys me. Like my own life.
I deleted Instagram because I check it every 10 seconds. After all, there is nothing to do. It is probably not healthy to be on that app all the time. Despite getting surprisingly nice messages from people that I didn’t even think they saw my stories saying that they like them and find them entertaining (and not to mention I’m always uploading food which makes people hungry).
I feel like I post to much fucking garbage.
I just deleted it 5 minutes ago and I still check my phone to see if there’s something there.
It’s fucking Saturday. And a nasty one.
3:03 pm. I woke up at 1:30 pm…
Days are a waste.
Yesterday was a waste. And the day before that was a waste as well. And it seems like it’s not only me. Everyone is just wasting days waiting for a pandemic to go by.
We are all in purgatory on earth.
I have no jobs.
I told my editor I would get him a story by yesterday. I didn’t. I had three short stories in mind and a very long one. And the next book.
Guess what I did?
I just played Starcraft all day.
I have the need to feel productive, but there’s nothing to do. I started taking pictures just for the fuck of taking pictures though there is nothing to take pictures off. I have no models, I took selfies of myself in a bra. Only two people have seen those. I think they are hilarious and I did them with that intention. But I do not dare post them. The girl who owns that bra fucking hates it.
No. It didn’t awaken anything in my sexually. It just made me realize I look fat.
You know when you have in your mind what you are supposed to look like but once you see the stark reality is different. I have a belly when in my mind I don’t. Like when I was younger and had a skinny dude sixpack.
But I drink too much and eat too much garbage and workout almost not at all.
I did 20 push-ups so far today.
That will keep me fit…
Notification on my phone.
It’s about Pokemon.
I haven’t done any photo work in weeks. I have no income coming my way except for the sales of the book from February. Perhaps I’ll get that stimulus check. I did everything I’m supposed to do to get it. I went on the IRS website to research what I needed to do because my situation is unique. It told me the best thing to do was file my latest taxes. So I did.
Paid almost $100 to get them filed and paid the state and it got accepted. So I hope I get the stimulus check… I don’t want to depend on it, but I sort of do.
It’s almost the exact same money I’m used to making every month which is nothing for San Diego but it is all I need to live here. My car is still a mess. I need to register it before May ends and it needs to pass smog. It doesn’t pass as it is.
Besides taking stupid selfies, I also tried doing guitar videos.
I’ve been practicing La Catedral. It’s nowhere near as good as I want it to be, but it’s going there. I have it memorized which helps to practice whenever without having to look up the music. But it’s a tough piece.
I recorded me playing it way too fast and sloppily. Also, the mask doesn’t allow me to see what I’m doing.
I posted it on Reddit and got downvoted. I got one nice comment and one asshole comment which developed into a weird conversation. Then I deleted the whole thing because it was causing me anxiety.
I also recorded this:
I’m not happy with the audio in either of them.
Recorded on my Canon 7D without a mic. It probably sounds better recorded on the iPhone.
That’s how I’ve wasted my days.
I look around at my apartment and tell myself I’m going to clean it all. I do nothing. Maybe clean a small area and feel satisfied and then sulk on the couch for hours. Sometimes there’s noise on the TV but I pay no attention as I scroll through fucking Instagram for hours.
And there I go again. Check my phone. See if there’s something in that fucking app.
I haven’t sold a single copy of my book in over 5 days. A friend who is mentioned in the book told me he bought a copy in one of those 5 days, but it has not been registered in my Amazon sales report. In fact, it feels like many friends buy it and it doesn’t get reported… Or perhaps I sell way less than I think I do.
When it was 99 cents it sold a lot and it brought my rank up. That rank has been decimated by now. I’m back outside of the top #100 in my category and it’s not like my category sells the best.
The other tabs open on my Chrome are about adding categories to the book and how to sell more through Kindle. Adding more categories will probably help, the rest of the stupid blogs have annoying people as the face of their ads so I’m pretty sure it won’t fucking help.
I don’t get how annoying fucking people get views.
That reminds me… the real reason I did the guitar videos was that I was originally going to do a talking presentation about my book.
Played guitar instead.
The day is going to be over soon and I haven’t even had breakfast. I already decided I’m not going to shower today. I’ve been showering daily to just be in my house and as soon as it gets dark I’m back in my pajamas. So I’m dressed for a couple of hours a day and I don’t even go outside. I don’t even smell.
My beard is a mess though. Just like my life.
Life is so fucking depressing right now. I got nothing. Even my cats annoy the fuck out of me. Sigh. I hate the feeling but that’s how I feel. I no longer want to be around. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of the neverending loop of life. I’m tired of feeling shitty and I feel shitty for being always tired.
Sunday was a waste as well.
I woke up late as usual in this quarantine fuckery. I woke up with a very sharp frontal lobe headache. I had a similar headache on Friday night. I did not drink either Friday or Sunday. On Saturday, I had the crowler I got from Norte. I waited too long. It was flat. I barely enjoyed it while playing Starcraft with friends. I don’t really count it as drinking (though I know it was).
Not sure why I got those headaches. They are not common in me unless I do something to deserve them (like drinking too much). Might have been stress. Might have been not drinking. And I was out of Ibuprofen.
On Friday I got some from my neighbor, headache went away in two hours.
Sunday, I went to farmacia and bought a big bottle of pills and took one. It also went away in a couple of hours.
I did not work at all on the weekend. I have nothing to work on still. Those articles I want to write have been forgotten already and I’m doing nothing. I know I should do them… but I don’t.
I’m a waste of talent and I’m wasting my days away like always.
I did do a little something. I did end up adding more categories in my book.
And that same Saturday night, someone read the whole thing through Sunday morning through Kindle Unlimited. I made $1.17 from that… but it made me slightly happy that someone, from the millions of titles on Kindle Unlimited, chose my book. Though I’m not certain it was only one person, KDP reports that 97 pages were read on Friday night and 113 pages were Sunday before dawn. I know the times because I frequently check my report, but perhaps the report is delayed. Or perhaps 210 people clicked on one single page and didn’t read it at all. That seems unlikely. I’m pretty sure it was only one person and he/she read through the whole thing because… well… it’s an easy and absorbing read.
So… go buy it now. If you read this blog, it’s like what you imagined, something like this, but a bit more polished and with more of a timeline (sort of). If you know me in person, you are probably not reading this, but if you are… the book is not what you imagine. People that know me think my book is just a guide of Tijuana with pictures of tacos and drinks. It is not. The last chapters do cover that, but there are no pictures and it still in a word vomit narrative form and not like an actual guide.
Other people think it’s just a book of pictures. It has one picture. It was added by accident. It was going to have several pictures in there, but I decided against it and deleted them all. Except one. That was an accident, but a happy one. I could edit it for it to not appear anymore. But I like it like that.
It’s this picture:
That’s the only picture in the book. And it’s small and black and white. It does not do it real justice.
I have that same picture printed above my computer. I’m looking at it right now. And if you look closely, you can see me in the reflection of the spoon and my friend Willy in there too.
That’s Tacos El Dorado in Playas, they are decent. They make a hella good quesabirria but it’s not the best in town at all. And posting that picture solves my issue of not having a picture to post. I’m not going to post the picture of me in a bra…
Instagram is still deleted from my phone, not the account, just the app. I feel better. It is way too often that I reach into my phone to just record what is in front of me and post a story. I thought I wasn’t going to last more than 24 hours without it, but I’m doing fine. I think of it less. Of course, I cheat, I check my Instagram by typing the URL and my username, but that’s not the same. I just check messages and tell them that I’m not replying through Instagram at the moment. It’s not mindless hours scrolling double-tapping pictures that I like and posting story after story. And after posting each story, I check who has viewed it. I like to see who are the first 10 people that view my stupid shit.
I needed a break from it. I still do. I’m not sure when I’ll go back to it… but for now, it feels good to not be in it.