It’s Monday after a crazy week and weekend that absorbed me and spat me out destroyed and more of an alcoholic than when I started…
It’s Monday. I’m doing laundry and setting up my week. I only have one photo job this Wednesday. I have a writing gig that I need to deliver in a couple of weeks. I have time to work on other things and other things are what I intend to do. Starting with the word vomit that I have no idea where it’s going anymore, like my life…
Chapter 23. Not really a chapter of the book.
The book?
The book is live on Amazon!
Here’s a link.
This is what the cover looks like for digital. Click on it for the same link as above if you prefer clicking on pictures.
This is what it will look like for print.
People have been asking for it in print. And by people, I mean like five people.
I haven’t sold as many as I want or as I expected. Reviews have been really good so far. I’m afraid that those who haven’t said anything is because they disliked it. Amazon doesn’t let it review yet, not sure if it needs to meet a certain threshold for it to be reviewed.
Only 40 copies sold so far.
Less.
1 of those was me. That doesn’t count. Another one was Chad who edited it. That doesn’t count either. And two were bought in Mexico, I get less commission, so it doesn’t feel like it counts either.
36 digital copies sold so far. Enough to pay the cover model.
I don’t have much money. An accounting error from the office made them realized I got overpaid the previous week, which meant that all the work I did was for free since I already got paid. I was expecting double pay. I didn’t get it.
And my Tijuana Adventures continue. This city is killing me and I’m letting it kill me.
My fantasies don’t play out the way I want them too, except my Football Fantasy team that won (I’m still gloating about it). The fantasy of winning a parlay bet never came to fruition. The fantasy I had with this girl that I saw on Monday and then Friday didn’t happen. She is mentioned in the book, I haven’t seen her in forever. She is as pretty as ever. But she still just says we are just friends.
The fantasy of this book selling a lot hasn’t come to fruition. A lot of people congratulating me, no one is buying it. I’m still happy it’s done and I can move on. But I wanted money. I want money…
It’s only been a week. A bit over a week.
The day it got published, I had a Tijuana Adventure.
Chapter 23:
The day I hit “publish” on my book, I went out with a girl that I met at HK Club. I thought she was not working there anymore. She still is. Out of nowhere she just hit me up about having craft beers because she said she was into beer. YAY! My favorite.
I realized almost immediately she was more into coke than beer… I noticed it since the first brewery. No one takes that long in the bathroom.
At some point, she told me to kiss her.
I didn’t.
We went from beer place to beer place and she took forever in the bathroom in each one. And suddenly, she wanted to go to her friend’s place to party. Her friend’s place was near my own apartment, so I didn’t mind. If it was in another part of town, I was going to call it a night.
I don’t regret going. I regret doing cocaine. Fuck is it a dumb drug.
And at some point, she just left me with her friend. Her friend is cool though, and basically my neighbor, and INSANELY hugely ripped. As she has won awards for being insanely muscular. She wants pictures. I told her I would trade her photo sessions for gym training sessions. Let’s see if that happens.
Chapter 23:
CPT.
Canadian Progressive Tours.
This was this Saturday.
James hit me up since the beginning of the year, he wanted a bachelor party and he himself is the bachelor. Twist. Women were coming to the bachelor party. Another twist, one of those was his sister. And yet another, his sister is the best man.
From his email address and name I knew he was Canadian and most likely Asian. James and his sister were the only Asians, the rest were white people, all from Canada except one Zonie (from Arizona, living in SD).
I liked them all, even the guy wearing a Patriots hat. I don’t remember everyone’s names like always (except James, his sister, and a chick that is named after a US State… oh and Bradley for some reason). Then there was a chubby guy who looked like a baby who was my favorite and the most Canadian. The guy with the Patriots hat was the quietest the whole time but took the whole bachelor party like a champ. US State girl was the wildest of them all (BY FAR). Bradley was ripped (not sure why his name stuck). One girl had a really weird name that I didn’t even try. She was cool. And Zonie, I called her Zonie. And there was Keanu because he was 1/4 Japanese, never learned his name either.
James was quiet, and from his emails, he said: “I just want my friends to have fun.” And I hope that’s what we did.
What an adventure.
It started as a messy adventure… By me running late to the border because they were actually responsible and were on the meeting spot at 1:00 pm precisely. Except they were on the other side of the border. I usually meet them on that side, but I thought we agreed on the Mexican side.
It took a good 30 minutes to finally see each other. My original plan of hitting Nelson first didn’t materialize. We hit up Estación Federal and Cereus Bar first. They were barely opening and though they have pretty cocktails, it takes them like 15 minutes to make one…
It wasn’t the best first stop.
Nelson would have been better.
The second stop was La Cevicheria Nais and things picked up immediately here.
I forgot to mention that Friday also had a Tijuana Adventure. Nico, the bass player from King Llama, came to town. I haven’t seen him in years.
He doesn’t play with them anymore. I thought he was in town to fly to Argentina (he Argentinean). NOPE! Turns out that when we brought King Llama to Tijuana he met a friend. That friend… I haven’t talked to her in years either. I briefly dated her roommate and I briefly fell in love. I would still fall in love with that girl.
I fall in love too easily sometimes.
Nico fell in love… with that girl… in that show!
I’m a matchmaker as well… Mattchmaker.
And now they are getting married!
INSANE!
So I drank with Nico and then he went to see his fiancé. I stayed back drinking despite not eating much. The girl that I liked hit me up even though she made it clear we are just friends. I drank with her for a while and I’m glad she rejected me. I still want her. But I’m glad she knows it’s not a good thing.
Also… apparently my mouth stank. She just told me that.
Back to Chapter 23.
I didn’t sleep well that Friday. I had the tour to worry about. I woke up at dawn and went to bed when my alarm started to ring at 11:00 a.m.
My sleep schedule is all sorts of fucked up.
I don’t feel depressed, but I know I am. It’s like a subconscious depression.
That’s why I was late to meet them. My sleep is all fucky and my Friday disappeared into weird oblivion. February is disappearing into weird oblivion. Sunday disappeared into weird oblivion.
After La Cevicheria Nais, which like always, was on spot excellent, we went to Norte Brewing Co. Here we enjoyed views and brews. Perfect timing for sunset though it wasn’t a great one. The full moon looked spectacular though. The party was getting better. I talked about politics with James’ sister. And we talked about some Reddit. And you know… typical TJ Adventures where I tell a lot of stories of things that have happened in my tours and stories about Tijuana in general. The stories that are in my book.
The best stories are in there, but some are missing.
Andy asked me if he was in my book. He is not. But Dirk’s bachelor party could have been a chapter or part of one. Or in general, some of the adventures I’ve had with Andy and the gang, looking for Kenya, and going to shit strip clubs.
Zona Norte be Zona Norte.
And I haven’t been in a long time. Until this Chapter 23.
From emailing with James, it seemed like he didn’t really want the strip clubs, but being a bachelor party, we still did. We had too.
After Norte, we went to Dandy’s del Sur because I mentioned Bourdain and we had to go there. Then La Mezcalera for crickets. They all ate some like champs, no one made an eww face like on many tours. And after that… it was time for Zona Norte.
Adelita’s was great… but goddamn there are so many beautiful women that I just want to go back right now.
I grabbed the most Canadian of them all and asked him what type of woman James likes. He said: “he is getting married to one, that type!”
THAT DIDN’T HELP EH!
So I just walked around and found who I thought was the prettiest. And oh my she was. I still think she is the prettiest I saw all night.
Her name was Melanie, she was tall, slender, cinnamon skin, only wearing white lingerie, and she smelled like Lucky Charms (my favorite cereal). She also had one kid (according to her).
That’s who I brought to James. And he enjoyed it for a slight moment before just have her sit next to him. And this is when I talked to her…
Because she was gorgeous.
But unlike some chapters of the book, I accomplished nothing but fall in love once again. And once again.
I almost fought with the waiter of Adelita’s because he was bringing more drinks that we didn’t request. I asserted my leadership. That was… uhh… well… it felt like it was going to get complicated but it didn’t.
And after just a couple drinks in Adelitas… it was Hong Kong time. A waiter hooked up with a table for the party near the show de espuma. I gave him $5 tip for the table and he got mad: “for all of you you give me this?”
Fuck him.
Fuck that place in general… but when in Tijuana…
So many beautiful women everywhere. And the show de espuma was… well your classic show de espuma. US State being the party girl… she was loving all of it. She wanted to order so many drinks. Pats hat was watching UFC and ignoring all the action. I hit up the girl I went out the previous week… she was sleeping and not in the club.
James insisted on getting Bradley some action and got him a perfect girl. The whole time we were there, he was with her. She looked Asian. She was super hot.
I was just trying to keep the party together and ignoring all the naked women surrounding me.
Like always, I saw old men with very young girls and their lust wolf faces.
And this is where the “Canadian Progressive Tour” term came to mind. Talking to James. And though, as progressives, we still had to check out this wormhole because after all, it is a bachelor party.
We left after almost an hour of HKing. US State still wanted to party hard. Took them to the gay strip club, Hawaii (yes… this strip club is also in my book).
MUSIC IS SO FUCKING LOUD IN THERE.
If they turned it down a few decibels it would be a better place.
I saw a Whitney Houston drag. I’ve never seen a black drag or a Whitney. I got excited and gave him a dollar.
US State loved it since we got there. She got a bottle of Jagger and some red bulls. A ripped male stripper was dancing when we got there. She immediately went to give him money. She was happy in HK. She seemed happier here.
We finished that bottle FAST and left Hawaii.
It was time to go back to the border… or so I thought.
One more stop. One more club.
Mezcalera again.
Club club club club club.
And Uber back to the border.
Hugged everyone.
Everyone was awesome.
And thanks for Tijuana Adventuring chapter #23 that it isn’t my book but it is a blog that I am using to promote my book or something like that.
I put posters up about my book in town. I hope they have awakened curiosities, but I am sure it has translated to 0 sales.
I had two sales today.
I wonder who they were.
While on the tour, from La Mezcalera to the strip clubs, a tiny girl with blonde hair walked right past me. I recognized her as a girl that follows me on Instagram.
I sent her a message that she walked by me… she was at Tropics, I was with the tour. When the tour ended I messaged her to see where she was at.
She was at that new stupid secret bar.
That new stupid secret bar?
It’s a new stupid secret bar. Not even secret because they have giant signs outside announcing it. It just has a “secret” door. Inside opens to a huge space that… you guessed it right… USED TO BE A STRIP CLUB.
Paradise Club to be precise.
That place has fragmented into several different options. One of them is that dumb secret bar.
I met that girl that follows me on Instagram there. She was with a gay friend (I presume). I needed the last beer to calm down and go back home. Also, she’s pretty and I wanted to meet her. Also, I wanted to check out that stupid secret bar.
That stupid secret bar is no bueno.
It won’t last.
They had almost more staff than people in it. And the place is too big. And doing a secret bar that is not secret doesn’t work… it’s just… dumb.
I sort of wanted to go back to Zona Norte… People have been telling me about Chicago and Tropicoso getting better.
Instead, I peeked into Dandy del Sur. It was too packed. I bought street burritos and took an Uber home.
I slept until almost 3 pm on Sunday.
I wanted breakfast at that time. I felt like shit. And I still wanted to go to Zona Norte.
Fuck… I still want to go to Zona Norte.
I have the money I have from the tour. But no. that’s to pay the model on my book and to pay my rent.
Sunday disappeared. I grabbed a breakfast torta from tortas Cubanas 24/7 and took it to Nelson Bar to have a breakfast caguama with my breakfast torta at 5:12 pm while watching Gallos Blancos lose against America.
I got the shakes. I realized how much alcohol I consumed the previous night. Mezcal, tequila, jagger, beers, beers, beers… And there I was. At Nelson bar. Tijuana still consuming me slowly. Killing me slowly one caguama at a time. Killing me rapidly, when I have a tour and I get destroyed. Or when I decide to go out with a girl and cocaine is involved.
Tijuana will be Tijuana.
Like Heidegger says, the world worlds.
Tijuana Tijuanas.
And I Tijuana way too much. Canadians Tijuanad for a while.
Yes.
To Tijuana is a verb now.
I Tijuana.
You Tijuana.
Nosotros Tijuaneamos.
Ustedes Tijuanean.
Todos Tijuaneamos.
Monday.
My laundry is in the washer.
It’s rainy outside.
Time to keep doing errands. Set up a dentist appointment, not only because this hot girl told me my mouth stinks and I need a cleaning, but also because I’ve been meaning too!
Same as I’ve been meaning to go to the gym. And live a healthier life and what not…
But Tijuana.
I should do more work, but I’ll probably just play BotW all day.
I want to go bowling.
And I need to do more writing work.
I was going to write about Cervecería Insurgente and their constant fight with the government. Some other writer already sent it to my office. It was published today. My article was going to be way better… but I don’t write it, I eat shit.
My cat was in the Magazine though! Well… my mom’s cat. La Princess Chimba Brokentail.
I did write for the special issue!
And took pictures!
Ahí esta la preciosisisima Chimba. I love her so much.
And my fat cat Bisho.
They sleep with me forever.
Matingas 