32 Weeks, 5 Days.
That was short-lived.
It still sucks to wake up. It’s the worst part of the day. I just yell at my cats and they don’t come. So I just stay there feeling like shit.
I woke up to a message from my ex. My tiny ex from Los Angeles.
We were an odd but cute couple.
I carried her everywhere.
Then she sent me a selfie. She still a cutie.
Then she went to take a nap.
And that was it.
That wasn’t what was short-lived.
It was the other drama that had me in pain and turmoil and anguish through the weekend.
I mentioned it before that it felt like my best friend is fucking my girlfriend, though they are neither. Well… that turned into the feeling of my piece of shit acquaintance abused and raped my ex-girlfriend. Except, she was never my girlfriend.
I did want her to be.
Even though I’ve known her for years. And we have gone back and forth.
I kissed her in public once. In the San Diego trolley. She was surprised.
And after that, we never really did much. Hooked up once in a while. I feel like she did it out of pity. It wasn’t very good…
That’s probably why she doesn’t find me attractive…
I saw her again on Tuesday at Nelson Bar.
It was a bad idea.
Everything was even WORSE than the WORSE that I thought. Not only did all this shit happened. Finding more details fucking hurts and it made me want to puke. That feeling I had almost 20 weeks ago, repeated again on the weekend, repeated again on Tuesday. Finding out that things have been going for longer than I thought. Them together, and the abuse. I felt lied to not only by that fucker but by her as well. And she still talks to that piece of shit.
Remember that scene from Y Tu Mamá También when Diego Luna wants to know all the details of when Gael fucked his girlfriend and he is going in circles trying to find every single detail to make sense of how or why it happened?
That’s how I feel.
I want to know every detail though it fucking hurts and it’s pointless. And the more I find out, the more it hurts.
I left her at Nelson by herself. I apologized but couldn’t be there with her anymore.
It didn’t take long for her to text me asking if I was fine. I said yes, I will be, but I hate that feeling that she gives me. I needed more time. I will probably disappear again and block her. She asked me not too.
And then I told her.
I want her more than just a friend.
It would be obviously very tough. Getting over all the issues. But somehow I could see it work.
For a couple of hours.
A friend came by to meet me. I told him all the stories. He made me feel better cuz I was feeling like utter shit and we kept drinking beers. One last beer at Dandy’s.
And as soon as I walked in.
There she was.
Didn’t reply to my text. But she was out drinking with another dude who I didn’t recognize and I don’t give a fuck who he is.
Someone that wants her? Yes. Most likely.
She wants anything with that dude? Yeah… probably as well. She is no situation to date, but hooking up shouldn’t be a problem.
So my stomach dropped again.
Felt like SHIT again.
Finished my beer, apologize to my friend because I needed to leave. Went home with more beers. Blocked her again.
There goes sober September.
More like slow down September.
Because I have been slowing down.
Beer has no effect on me anymore. So instead of just drinking until exhaustion, I just stop at some point at night and switch to water. I can’t get any drunker anyway…
Wednesday I went to therapy instead of my usual Fridays. My therapist was on vacation… and well… I needed to unload.
On my drive there I thought to myself… I did the right thing. I was doing great. I felt like I was rebuilding myself. Work is still fine. I still want more work. Better work. More gigs. But work is great and I need to keep myself busy.
This drama that I ran away months ago is still not my drama. I love her and I hate him, but moving on is what is the healthiest and best (for me).
Fucking moving on.
She didn’t reach out to me for me. She reached out to me for her.
She will be fine. I’ll be fine. We’ll see each other in another life. Or not.
By the way.
I haven’t mentioned mom in forever.
But I still think about her all the time and it makes me cry. It happens when driving but that is a happy cry for some reason. She would have liked the car I bought.
Yesterday, after therapy, all I wanted to do was to be in bed and be comforted by her.
And I just lay there for hours until it was time to work.
If I didn’t have to go to work, I would have just laid there all day.
Time does help though. 32 weeks, 5 days. I don’t count it as much as the beginning. I lost count a few weeks back but this blog helps me keep count.
32 weeks, 5 days ago.
I am still incredulous over it. It feels like forever ago. Yet it also seems like yesterday.
Worst year ever for sure.
I love to dwell on the past. It makes me realize that my depression goes in cycles. This is the worst one in years, but in my twenties, I wasn’t that crazily depressed as I am now… (my teens, fuck yeah was I depressed).
I feel like I lived plenty. I know there’s more. It just still feels like a different life.
Which reminds me…
I am throwing the “book” I wrote up here on the website.
FREE OF CHARGE!
Letting the dice roll.
In that book, I say “sorry mom” a few times.
Because it contains stories that I actually didn’t want my mom to read. Stories that I don’t really want anyone to read. But they are entertaining stories. Because a lot of entertaining shit has happened throughout my shitty life.
The book will come with a Patreon link to support me with some cash just because you know… I want money.
And I’ll start writing a book again. With or without sponsorship.
Saw my old roommate yesterday. He is going through a change in life too. More than anything, switching jobs. He has been doing the office cubicle gig for over two years now and it is taking him nowhere and it is not letting him write. He should be doing more of that. He is the best writer.
He is writing a book and things with his wife seemed to be going great since they go on a trip every weekend.
The married life would also be a strange life.
And fucking finally.
NFL STARTS TODAY.
I will get distracted with silly sports and my fantasy league! And my fantasy farm on Stardew Valley.
This post needs a picture.
So let’s circle back to the beginning.
That one ex.
Took me a while to find this picture.
She is 4’11 and I’m 6’4. I carried her everywhere. I like carrying women. Not sure the reason why. But I do. So I enjoyed carrying her everywhere. She was my pocket gf. She is still one tiny beautiful woman that looks super young. I’m not sure why she texted me this morning. But she did.
Dwelling on the past.
It’s Thursday today.
Which means I will go be a delivery boy and then go bowling then finish my deliveries. I work this Saturday. And I will have more work for September.
Work is good.
Love life, not really. But it is not my concern since I feel fucking broken. Matching with girls on Bumble simply to not talk to them or unmatch them immediately.
Slow down September with some sober days instead of drinking every minute.
New cover that is my picture!
I am not terrified of them as I used to be. They were actually quite cute and nice to me. I like horseys now.
More on that later. Or perhaps not really. But yay! New cover. And the next one is mine. And the one after is mine as well.