30 Weeks, 1 Day.
There’s a chair sitting next to a table that belonged to my grandma and the table was supposedly my grandpa’s who I barely met. On that table, I have some of my mom’s ashes inside and urn that was my grandma’s surrounded by several of her turtles with two big paintings of turtles that she loved sitting next to the table. I intend to hang them. But I also intend to move from this place so I don’t really want to hang them on this wall. Besides, I’m afraid of them losing grip, falling and breaking.
On that chair, next to the table, I usually put my shoes on to leave for the day and say hi to my mom.
“Hi mom, you would have hated the border today if you had to cross.” That’s what I said while putting my shoes on today.
Then I cried a little bit and headed out to work, to cross the border.
I shouldn’t be here.
I should be sitting on the border, wait time seems to be more than 3-4+ hours long. I’m supposed to be on my way to Poway, the Texas of San Diego.
The guy in charge of the parking lot where Donatella sits is gone. Sundays are hit or miss in that parking lot, and since I usually don’t drive on Sundays, I completely forgot about this. Yep. My car is stuck in the parking lot and the dude said he won’t be back until later…
Later, the border wait time will get worse. Later, the photoshoot won’t happen.
I shouldn’t be here blogging.
I should be on my way to work.
But it feels like I have no choice…
I already emailed them and canceled with much embarrassment. I hate canceling. I hate failing in my responsibilities. It weighs on me heavily.
One failure destroys all my successes.
I told my therapist this.
One failure feels like the end of the world.
And my life has been a very hard swinging pendulum from having great days and having really bad days.
Today is a bad day.
Yesterday was a good day turned into a bad night.
The day before that was therapy day. It felt like my day off. I went bowling. Got 4 strikes in a row. The first time that happens. It was an okay day throughout.
The day before that…
ANOTHER GREAT FUCKING DAY. A marvelous day I must say. There was almost no border wait time and I got to eat more than $200 worth of food and got paid for it.
I wish every day was like that day.
Not like today.
Today fucking sucks.
I haven’t even had breakfast… and I already have this crippling depression and anxiety from canceling work, from fucking it up, from thinking about the border, from tiny mistakes.
It makes me not hungry… though my stomach is already like… you should eat.
Therapy is still good. She made me cry this last time too. Felt somewhat more of a progress compared to last time where I just talked about my paparazzo days. I also talked a bit about personal relationships. People that I stopped talking too that suddenly talked to me. One of them she was like “yeah, you can message her, you don’t seem to have been that emotionally attached.” To the other, she said, “you might want to wait before seeing her.”
That other one texted me last night a bunch. Then I dreamt of her. And now I’m just trying to ignore that. Because it still somewhat stings. And time heals all, right?
It just goes by as well.
And I get old.
Peaked forever ago.
It’s all downhill from here.
Enjoy the ride.
Till the end of life.
That’s what I plan to do.
I wish I could enjoy today. But again, after a failure, or just this feeling that I need to be productive and not be productive, I feel wrong. I can’t enjoy today.
They blame the crazy border wait time today to a reggaeton festival that happened in Rosarito. I concur. I matched with a cute Bumble girl that told me it was her first time in Baja and that she was going to that fest.
Not really interested in her at all.
I’m not really interested in anyone… new.
I look at my past… and I let so many great girls just go by.
Through my blog.
And then I’ll just play The Messenger a bunch.
I downloaded that game. It’s an expensive downloadable game. I shouldn’t have. But I did. And it’s a really fun game and I’m enjoying it.
That’s what yesterday was. Day of gaming with my little nephew.
He is convinced he can beat me in Smash Bros though it’s the first time he plays in his life. “Mewtwo is the most powerful one, right tío Matt? I can beat you with him.”
No, you can’t.
Obviously, he is not going to beat me in the next decade or so. The day he beats me, I’ll be proud.
So I put 6 computers plus us two. I beat all the computers and have him get second place. Not bad kid. He survives.
He played Mario alright. He also did alright with Yoshi. But he wants “powerful” characters, so he chooses the ones that look badass but are very complicated to use.
He will learn.
Smash is too much for a five-year-old.
So I switched it up to Celeste.
Celeste is also too much for a five-year-old. At least he beat the first level. Couldn’t beat the first screen of the second level though. He did say, “it’s like Donkey Kong!” So he might be able to play it eventually.
So I switched it up to Mario Party.
That was way better.
He got third place.
I got second.
We got fucked by a cheating Rosalina who kept getting stars and the star kept moving right in front of her and the bitch ended up with 8 stars.
It was bullshit.
But it was two hours of Mario Party with the kid. He won several minigames legit. The ones he lost, he lost by a lot. And was on the verge of tears. But he handled it alright. Then his parents picked him up and they went to get Chinese food. Not for me. I stayed behind, finished a translation job that needed to be finished. Finished edits that needed to be finished. And went out to tire myself so I can go to bed early and work in the morning.
It was a bad outing. Everything went sort of wrong. I went home, played The Messenger and I actually went to bed before midnight. Woke up at 7 a.m. to check the border. It was a shitshow. Waited till 11 a.m. when it calmed down for a bit… and the parking lot dude wasn’t there. So you know that story already.
This post needs a picture.
How about pictures?
Or more of a screencap of the great day that made me very happy.
That’s behind the scenes at Lionfish. One of my favorite writers is working on the story of the chef.
My favorite dish was the Sunomono salad. I should try to replicate that by myself.
Chef told us he changed the name of the dish to sashimi salad cuz no one knows what Sunomono is. And it’s true. I didn’t. I actually just googled it.
And sashimi salad also works. It had 4 different kinds of marinated fish, cucumbers, and seaweed.
The lamb was my favorite strong dish. The gamey taste stayed with me for a few hours. And the pistachio/eggplant puree was delicious on it.
Obviously, the rest of the plates were also fucking great… I wish I even tried more.
Food makes me happy.
I want that salad right now.
I’m off to find shitty breakfast and to forget that this day existed and that I will have to somehow get the photoshoot done in another day…