28 Weeks, 3 Days.
I haven’t been having the best of days.
Waking up is the worst part of my day.
I just feel heavy with no motivation to even get out of bed.
And I still fight through it. Make some coffee. Drink a lot of coffee. Work out a bit. Have breakfast. Shower. And try to work.
And it all feels so pointless.
And also, somehow going broke.
My student loans call me every day and leave the same message. I know I can call them and ask them to hold up, forbearance, or lower my payments or something. But that’s what depression is like. Not wanting to do the simplest things simply because I’m afraid of doing it.
Instead, I push myself to do the rest of the things that I don’t want to do.
Like just now.
Ask for my payments.
I always hate asking for payment.
Two photo jobs.
One I really fucked it up.
The third job was pre-paid.
At least I got paid for my effort and that covers gas. But it doesn’t cover student loan debt. Or my rent.
It sucks to be depressed about something on the daily.
And on top of that feel the pressure of finance anxiety.
I think of getting a roommate… but I don’t want a roommate.
The closet is still full of my mom’s things. Not totally full. But yes.
And I’m used to using the bathroom with the door open.
Walking around semi-naked.
I don’t want a roommate.
I don’t even want to live in this apartment anymore.
I don’t want to do the job I sort of have.
I don’t want to be a writer.
I still want to do photography because that’s just a nice routine. And though last week I got super stressed over the delivery job… I still want to do that.
Driving feels nice.
I could just be a driver.
Perhaps I should just apply for Uber/Lyft and get a nice lease of a car and cross the border to be a driver for a while…
I had frozen pizza for breakfast four days in a row.
There are piles of boxes of pizza in the kitchen.
And the kitchen is in general disarray.
At least I still do the dishes. And feed the cats.
I finished my nights drinking a couple of glasses of whiskey and playing Starcraft. Losing. And getting more depressed.
Perhaps is the whiskey.
But it’s so damn delicious.
Buffalo Trace is so damn delicious and smooth.
Yesterday I figured something out. I can connect my iMac 2009 keyboard to my iPhone. Typing on the keyboard feels 100x better than typing on the iPhone. Though it’s fucking ridiculous to have a keyboard that is twice the size of the screen.
An iPad would be nice.
I took this combo to Dandy Del Sur and forced myself to type. I did this because I have a lot of article ideas that I started and just left there. And I really need to push myself to write. Not this bullshit.
This bullshit comes easy.
I mean write stuff that could be published in a magazine. In the same magazine… or others.
I haven’t read what I wrote last night at the bar. Not even sure if it’s good. But I re-read my first cover story.
That made me happy.
I want to do that again.
That’s one of my favorite stories I’ve ever written.
The Spanglish story is up there as well.
I want to write like that again. But somehow, can’t.
I’m pushing myself to do it.
I’m trying. I swear.
Fucking Spotify commercials.
I just want to have enough money where I can pay for Spotify subscription and not worry about it. I can’t afford that luxury.
Bills fucking suck.
Gas is expensive. And the oil leak in my car means I have to buy oil every so often. Not sure how expensive that will be.
AND THEY FUCKING STOLE THE STICKER TAG IN MY LICENSE PLATE.
Which basically means I’ll get stop at the border more often than not.
Alright. I’m glad I remembered to check.
$22 fee for replacement stickers.
Got to fill a PDF and mail it or go to the DMV with it. It’s going to be easier just to make a DMV appointment… I think.
Made an appointment for exactly one week and one day from now.
This post needs a picture. Here it is:
That was Saturday at Moonlight Beach.
I stacked 6 pictures together and blended them together to make this HDR.
It’s not very good.
Single exposures are good enough and no need to do all that shit.
Saturday. 27 weeks exactly. I was working so many Saturdays… then I had a break. And now again.
I went to SDSU for a photoshoot. It was a total failure. No one showed up. Just a lot of people playing Pokemon Go catching shiny Ralts.
I got me 4 shiny ones.
At least I got me some Pokemon Go.
And when I was about to give up… a dude with a hat showed up and I asked for his picture. That one worked.
After that, I went on a Bumble date that I had delayed way up north county. It went well (I thought). But got completely ghosted the following day…
She’s a fine woman. I met her at Modern Times to find out she doesn’t really drink… Modern Times is great. They have a Kimchi Elote and I didn’t order it. I should have ordered it.
I’m probably too much of a mess for her.
At least I hope we become friends.
She is one talented photographer. And musician.
Fucking Spotify commercials.
And Reddit broke. Fun!
I’ll be fine.
I’ll be fine…
Tomorrow Feast comes out.
I worked hard on that.
Be prepared for a lot of pictures of food soon.
Because the burger issue is next. I won’t be writing about burgers but will be photographing a lot of them (and eating them duh).
I feel so much better after typing all the stupid shit I just type.
Blog is my therapy.
But also my therapist is my therapy and I can’t wait for it to be next Friday…