9 weeks, 3 days.
I spent all day yesterday destroyed from a massive hangover induced by heavy drinking since early and ending up in the gay bars with my gaybor and his friend.
That’s my gay neighbor = gaybor.
2 caguamas at Dandys. My gaybor joined me then (it was around 2 pm). One mezcal with him. Then we came home to play Smash Bros. Two extra IPAs by Sierra Nevada (I wasn’t a big fan). My gaybor left cuz he had a date. It was early and I wanted to pass out (around 7 pm), but I didn’t want to sleep early because then I would wake up in the middle of the night.
I decided, one outing to Nelson then back.
On my way out, my gaybor was with his date. I said hi and walked towards Nelson.
A block after walking, they were driving and offered a ride. I obliged.
One especial for each cuz they’ve never tried them before.
Border Psycho after that for a Hoptimista. That should have been the end of it. Free parking. Go back home.
But no. Gay party at Latinos.
After the first bucket, I was ready to go home. I had my gay fun. I confirmed once again what I already knew (I’m not gay, but I wish I was).
But then… another bucket of beer. Oh fuck.
I lost consciousness. Not sure if I was drugged. Doubt it. But it felt like it when I woke up.
I woke up intact in my bed wearing only my underwear. All my money and phone and everything was with me.
My jeans and my socks, inexplicably soaked. My shoes and shirt were dry. I still don’t understand what happened…
They don’t smell bad, so it was just water.
Gaybor’s date told me I took an Uber home. Checking the Uber it determines that that wasn’t how I got home.
I probably walked.
I have no memory of it.
I’ve been wanting to go back to 2014. When life had no worries. That’s what I did on Sunday. Just tried to go back on time.
I did it on Friday as well…
Well… that was different. That was a lot of fun. It started with tennis, and I won. Then it escalated to beers and food. But I was hanging out with friends. And that night, I didn’t lose consciousness. And I Ubered home.
Friday was a good day.
I just asked the therapist that was recommended to me to recommend me someone else. I know I can’t go to therapy with her. She knows a lot of people I know… And I just know I can’t be that open.
To be honest… I’m very fucking open in this blog. So there’s not much more to tell.
This is my therapy…
But I am still willing to give it a try.
I spent it all day watching Netflix and curing my hungover. Honestly, I woke up drunk and it was sobering time the rest of the time.
I got lost. And forgot the point of this.
The new show by Ricky Gervais.
That’s sort of how I feel.
He loses his wife to cancer in the show. It feels similar because that was the person he loved the most.
And that was my mom. She was the person I loved the most.
I miss her terribly.
And the show made me cry several times.
It talks about suicide a lot.
I don’t get how so many people are still alive and don’t kill themselves.
It’s something I deal with constantly. And I have a great life. And I’m good looking. And I have a good job. And my career is growing.
Yet, that is always there. I can just not do any of it.
I don’t get how so many people in the street just keep living.
Like dude… you don’t have legs. What keeps you from killing yourself?
Or dude, you are addicted to drugs and have no money. Why not just kill yourself?!
The character pretty much has the same job that I do. He works in a free local newspaper.
Speaking of which. I had some work today that I skipped (but not to worries, I can do it tomorrow and I will do it tomorrow). I had some work on Saturday that SUCKED. I was all sore and tired and it was a boring gig.
And I have some work today. Not much. Just a phone call with the bosses to discuss my future. I’m doing a lot. And there’s much more to do.
So I’ll be working a lot.
And I am glad about that.
The character tries heroin because he doesn’t have anything else to lose. Smoked, not injected. I know I’ll give it a try someday. It is still not my time. And smoked. Not injected.
It was offered to me once in the bathroom at Chips (again, smoked, not injected). But not right. I guess I am still scared of that. And now it’s not the time.
My rock bottom is not very low…
Gay partying and the blackout scare is enough for me to be like “ok dude, calm down and don’t drink that much.”
I have so much shit to do. And I guess my whole life to do it.
I missed Elephant Gym in San Diego.
I had very long days at work.
Followed by long breaks where I am not sure what I am doing anymore.
Followed by a lot of photo requests that I have to do…
And I want to go to LA.
Fuck is life weird.
Reflects in how I feel. I’m not very angry.
But alone and in pain. Well. Yeah.
9 weeks and 3 days.
I’m out of coffee.
I’m out of clean water to drink.
I’m out of gas for hot water (or cooking).
I’m hungry and I’m probably going to eat shrimp.
Workout a bit. Shower. Get ready for a conference call at 2:00 pm.
Emails. Work. Get ready for more work. Clean. It feels like work will be never-ending soon.
Which is good. But at the same time worrying.
I say I’m doing okay. But sometimes it hits me. And it complete destroys me and I don’t want to do anything or deal with anything. It feels heavy. Like something drags me to the ground. And I am drained of the will to do whatever it is that I should be doing.
I still feel like I’m dealing with it okay.
That’s how it feels.