I knew 2019 was going to be shit. I never imagined it would begin in the most painful way…
I haven’t blogged or written much for obvious reasons. Those who know me know what happened.
The person that I love the most in my whole life is gone. It’s difficult to type or write anything without tearing up. It’s been exactly 7 weeks and 2 days since my mom died and I cry every time I think about it. And I am crying right now. And I cry a lot…
Amazingly though, I’m okay. I’m not really depressed like I used to be. It’s a different kind of depression. And life feels different. The world looks different.
I’m an orphan.
My dad is a huge other mess that I rather never discuss.
My blog has always been personal, but this is a bit too much opening up. So I’m probably going to therapy to talk about my life to no one instead of typing to everyone out there that hits this link.
Writing has been my outlet. It feels good. But it’s much more difficult.
My mom was the only one that actually read all this crap.
In a way, my mom was my biggest fan.
I miss her so fucking much.
I always said I would never kill myself because I could never do that to my mom. As if that was the only thing stopping me from it. But now that she’s gone… she still stops me from it. I have the freedom to choose to do it, but I still could never do that to her.
She gave up.
She never wanted to be old. She died young. She died in royal beauty frailty. And in a way, on her own terms.
Life in 2019 is just so incredibly complicated.
It feels like there were a lot of mistakes.
A lot of should’ve done this. Should have done that.
Should have taken her to the hospital earlier.
Should have known she was sick, but she kept it to herself.
Should have not taken her to the hospital because she hated it and she wanted to die in peace.
But at the same time I know she had a few more years with us. Just not like this.
A mixture of disease, depression, guilt, and fantasies not accomplished drained her.
I wish I could have done more… I wish I could still take care of her. I wish she was still around. I wish she would have let me taken care of her.
She didn’t want that.
There is still much more I want to do to honor her. This is not it. Some people say time alleviates it and makes it better. It doesn’t. It makes it worse (for me). But I know my mom, because, in a way, I am my mom. And I know I just got to keep going. Keep living the best I can. And make her proud.
I spent my weekend going to four different churches…
Last church was a very Roman Catholic one with preaching in English and Latin. Haven’t been in one of those since my childhood. I don’t know el “padre nuestro” in English. I barely know it in Spanish. But I went through the motions. Amen.
My bosses were there. One was singing. The other next to the bishop helping direct the mass.
Wasn’t expecting this at all…
I was there for work.
Those pictures are uploading.
I was in the other three churches for work too.
That’s what I’ve been trying to do a lot. Just keep myself as busy as I can. I’ve been actually been the busiest but been getting less money.
Each day feels important in my future work.
As you can imagine, there is a lot going on with me right now. Especially after months without blogging.
Welcome to 2019.
A lot of stress on a project I’m working on.
I should be hearing a response today. But nothing so far. I’ve been working on this for far too long and I am afraid it will end up in disaster.
The other three churches…
One was awkward and boring. Barely stayed there.
The other had a jazz concert from a person I previously photographed in a cover! Archie Thompson. That was a fun church.
Ohh… and the last one.
What a church!
If all churches were like this, I would go way more often. It was a Black Gospel Choir Church. Yes. I was the only white person there. Yes. It had amazing music with great singers and a lot of PRAISE THE LORD!
It was incredible. And I felt so welcomed there, that I feel like going again! But without the work excuse, it might be a bit awkward.
In more other work, I am distributing the magazine in Tijuana now. It started a bit bad with a delivery route that barely made sense and not a lot of pick-up. I have made a lot of changes in the route and have almost a perfect delivery route and pattern for more and more pick up.
In fact, the other project I’m working on will help SO MUCH with the pick up as well.
I have a lot of photography work.
That’s still the same. It’s great though many times it feels annoying and mundane.
That’s a gig that I can never complain about though. I mean… I got to go to awesome churches this weekend (doesn’t sound great when I say it like that). But I also got to photograph baby goats last weekend!
That was a ton of fun. And the next cover! Which also will have some changes.
Here’s a tease:
Duh. Obviously, that picture won’t is not the cover. But baby goats!!! Couldn’t help but share a cute picture (amidst the whole depressive post…).
2019 started the most horrible way.
And I know a lot of CHANGES are coming.
Way too many.
The main one is getting used to living without my mom. It is the strangest feeling still.
I still come home and say “hi ma!”
For the first time in my life, I wear a gold necklace. A gold chain really…
It has a rose. My mom kept it from her first crush. That’s what my tía told me. It makes me feel better even though it’s a golden rose.
The other two are a Christian cross that was my grandmother’s and a gold horn that was my grandfather’s.
My tía said my grandfather had that horn and she wasn’t sure why. My first thought was “this is Jewish.” And after just a bit of googling, it’s a Shofar (a musical horn used in Jewish ceremonies). I’m more Jewish than I ever really knew… Though I never stepped in a Synagogue, I feel connected to my Jewish heritage culturally.
Going to churches help me reaffirm my faith that I have no faith.
Though my mom kept these religious symbols passed down from her parents… She was never a churchgoer. She never spoke of god or faith. So she’s not in heaven looking down at me. She’s just gone. And soon I will be too (no, this is not a cry for help, I mean, life goes fast).
And you will be too.
And that’s my belief. And that was her belief. Because again, I am basically her.
This stupid gold chain with religious symbols does make me feel a million times better though.
I miss my mom so fucking much. And the more time passes by the more I have things to tell her.
My sister in law helped me clear out the closet of most her clothes yesterday. I cried so fucking much…
There are still things to clear out.
And there are all the things that are now sort of mine. Things that were my grandparents that she kept. And now that I have. Old nice furniture and glasses and plates.
Feeling more connected to my mom’s side has made me consider changing my last names to have my maternal side first. Teschner.
That would be the end of the line with the Teschners. My tía sent me the family tree. Starting with my Jewish ancestors that arrived from Poland to the United States (some that stayed behind ended up in concentration camps). That Teschner line ends with my tía in Houston (whose kids have the last name of my uncle). My other uncle, another aunt, and my mom were also the end of the line.
And if I change my name, the end of the line is me. My uncle never fathered any children. I don’t intend to father any either. But who knows. Life is so fucking weird that anything can fucking happen.
This is the last happy picture with my mom at Gator by the Bay in 2018, picture by Andy Boyd.
If she made it out of the hospital, she was never going to be able to drink again or smoke again.
Hah. That wasn’t going to be my mom at all…
It’s my profile picture and it’s probably going to remain like that for the rest of the existence of FB which is really dumb.
Photos uploaded. Got more emails and more work to do.
Well… blogging helped a bit. To whoever reads it. Thank you for reading.
A lot of changes are coming to this website. A lot of changes are coming to my life. And a lot of it is WORK.
And I’m doing a lot of work I guess to distract myself from the pain. And because I need to grow up. Never felt so alone and like such a grown up.
Life is heavy.
And a lonely bitch.
I’ll try to be a better person.
Not only for myself, but for everyone around me.
That’s it for now. Not sure when I’ll blog again, but I do have a lot of work and changes to do.
I was expecting an important email today. It never came. I’m nervous.
I have a lot of work tomorrow and the day after.
Last but not least.
I’ve been receiving a lot of support from friends and family. I know I don’t say it much, but I truly appreciated it. It makes me realize we all go through this shit. And by shit, I don’t only mean the loss of your parents. But life in general. Life is a ridiculous fucking shitty thing. But there’s still a bit of beauty in it. And those should thrive.
And I truly thank friends and family for being there. Though I am incredibly lonely most of the time… Aren’t we all?!
5 responses to “First Blog of 2019: The Most Painful Year – Going to Church, Work, and Therapy – My Mom Always Read This Stupid Stuff”
I’m so sorry that you’ve recently lost your mom. I can’t imagine how horrible it feels. My mom is presently undergoing chemotherapy treatments so I have had to face a lot of thoughts this year that I didn’t want to. I know it’s not nearly the same as to what you’ve been through, but I just wanted to say that I am sending love and that mom’s are the best. <3
I hope that 2019 picks up for you and you start to find some lights admidst the darkness.
Hi Matt, I hope someday the pain you feel turns into something else like inspiration to lead a good life in honor of your precious mom, as you mention above.
Never hold any tears back, cry it all out. Thank you for sharing with us a piece of your heart and your mind. I wish nothing but the best for you. Changing your last name to your mom’s sounds freaking awesome, good luck with the process if you decide to do it!
Also, thank you for the baby goat pics.
Baby goats are so damn cute when they’re young!! So soft and gentle and sweet. And then they grow up to be all stinky and noisy and hairy and head-butt-y. Just like people. I guess that’s why we like them so much!
Ah, but you know I always wish you the best, Matthew. The hurt never really goes away I suppose, but I do wish you peace. Making your peace with it eventually comes.
Esto es algo de lo más lindo que he leído tuyo,lamento mucho que sea también de lo más doloroso. Me encanta la foto de tu mamá.