I woke up very depressed…
The end of the year is not what it was supposed to be.
And I want it to be 2020 already. Please.
This last week felt more like a month. Or even longer.
I had one photo gig. A fun one. I did it all mopey and depressed. I was in her territory to take pictures. Didn’t want to see her.
Turns out… she was in my territory while I was in her territory. She visited my favorite bar in the wee hours of the morning with that other “friend.”
I don’t know why… that feels like a disrespectful betrayal. So I made the right choice in saying bye and trying to ignore her.
I still think about her a lot though… and I wish it were different. A different timeline.
And that’s not the only thing bringing me down.
It’s health issues. Not with me. But with my mom.
Respecting her privacy, I won’t say much. And she does read this. So I don’t know how comfortable she would be reading about herself…
But it dawned on me. The responsibility of the youngest child who doesn’t have much more responsibilities. I love my mom and I’ll do anything for her. So I want to work more, make more money, have her more comfortable, see better doctors, get her better food, help her quit smoking (she’s going to hate that), and basically just be a better person for her.
Without her, I’d be pretty much gone.
I have a mountain to climb and doing so whilst depressed is tough, but I am determined to do it.
I can do this shit.
Like the game Celeste. Overcome anxiety and fears and do what I must do. Reach the summit. Finish the game. Collect them strawberries and end up baking a pie for Theo.
Ok. Not that last part.
About the photo gig. The pictures are great.
I’m going to start the year with a nice cover. And another photo cover should be appearing on Wednesday. My last cover photo of the year. No idea what it will be. But I also really like those pictures.
This blog post will have to wait till Wednesday.
And my WordPress is at 100% capacity. I do not want to pay extra for more. So by force, my blog will end.
Maybe if I’ll have GoFundMe I can reach $100 to expand my WordPress capacity for a year. But what’s the point.
And I am sick.
Since Saturday I started feeling phlegm in my throat. That moved up to my nose. So it’s not bad. Just a lot of mucus and I feel tired and groggy.
It will be fine.
Much work to do.
I have some Ritalin. I might take it so I can concentrate on work.
AND BUY A CAR!
Before the end of the year. I will have a car.
OOOeeee (hours after).
Ritalin was a great idea. Not even sure where I got it from, it’s been in my closet for months. But I finished one long ass job that might get rejected and did a lot more too. It also made me feel better. It’s a nice rush. I took it around 5 hours ago and got a lot done. I feel like it’s starting to fade. But felt good and productive. Will probably be taking some more on the future because I have a lot of work to do and it really felt good.
It also took away the recurring negative thoughts about her, my mom’s health, and my future.
Let’s see how I feel tomorrow morning…
I woke up feeling like shit!
Yep. Thoughts circled back to her… but… but!
Yesterday was great!
Hear me out. I don’t like pills. Any kind. But Ritalin (Adderall) was great for me. I felt like I could think clearly for the first time in months. It’s like my brain is all foggy and depressed all the time and it pulls me to mopiness and not being able to do anything. It was the opposite on Ritalin. I knew what I wanted and how to do it. My thoughts became clear. I finished an article (and went really long, but I think it’s good, though I might get rejected). I cleaned the fuck out of my apartment. Did laundry. Changed my bedsheets (yeah… it’s been a while).
And yes. I woke up feeling like shit, but better than the day before. It just sucks. I had so many things planned with her. We didn’t even go bowling. And we talked about this. I thought it was cute that we both had our own bowling balls as kids. In a way, I feel like I know a lot about her in the little time we spent together.
It’s still the right choice. She wants to be friends. I want to be both, friends and her lover. So I’ll need time to get over it.
Thom Yorke describes how I feel in that song. Weird for me to be listening to Radiohead.
I fucking hate Creep. Seriously. Can’t fucking stand that song.
But House of Cards. Yeah. That’s my jam. I’ve been listening to that a lot. Agoraphobia by Deerhunter. Feed me Jack’s cover of Weezer. And Yvette Young’s Mermaid. And some Fiona Apple’s Parting Gift.
I’ve been playing music as well… even feel like writing a song!
Here’s a recent clip of me playing Brouwer’s Danza Característica.
In other news. I get a water heater today. For the first time in more than three years, I’ll take a hot shower in my own apartment. WEIRD!
How to get over Bumble Girl?
Download Bumble again.
Surprisingly, I’ve had more matches and messages this time around than the months I spent on it before. Yeah. I just wanna rebound. Sorry for whoever gets to be my rebound.
I’ve been talking to a few girls. One looks cute and works at a brewery that I visit frequently (I guess she just started cuz I’ve never seen her). Also, a full sleeve tattoo. Interesting.
The other few… I’m not really interested. But it’s nice to see getting some matches. So sorry for matching and then ghosting.
Exactly one year ago I was rebounding as well…
Life will be life.
I might take some more Ritalin today after breakfast so I can be productive again. One thing is for sure, 10mgs is a lot. 5mgs would be enough, but them pills are so tiny that I don’t think I can cut them in half.
I’m not sure where I got them from…
I’m getting the water heater installed right now!
This is crazy!
After finishing work yesterday, and I thought the Ritalin was fading out… it wasn’t. I went out and I still felt the rush and the warmth in my face (I was sweating a bit). Drinking calm it down, but I wasn’t very hungry. Or more like my appetite wasn’t there. So I can tell why people would abuse the fuck out of this drug to lose weight or how addicts are so skinny. So I should pace myself because I fucking love eating.
While the water heater is getting installed, I’m going to write a Tijuana Adventure blog post.
…and… while I was writing about food, turns out that what I wrote while on Ritalin is going to get published…
I was expecting a rejection.
Now hear me out… don’t think Ritalin worked some magic and it all came from that. Nah. I actually had all the work laid out in front of me. All the creative process was done. All the research was done. All I needed to do was sit down, concentrate, and finish it.
So don’t think Ritalin will somehow magically make you productive or improve anything. It helped me. But it might not work on you.
First hot shower in this apartment in years. Feels weird.
I still advocate for cold showers, but fuck are they painful. Humans are so incredibly selfish. We like to be clean but we still want the warmth of water. And you know everyone is wasting way too much water because hot water feels incredibly good.
That’s what us humans are. Just piles of selfish meat creatures.
In the winter though… man… I was suffering with those cold showers. Frozen showers really.
I welcome the new addition in my life.
No Ritalin for me today. I don’t really have the groundwork for what I want to do next. I’ll search for cars instead. Probably will take some before the weekend.
And just like that.
Present for the kids is ready. Present for the rest of the family is not.
And just like that.
Fantasy football ended in a victory for me. Got a nice 5th place. Final game still to be played next week.
You know it’s time for…
ENEFELE en Español.
Mornings are the worst part.
Every single morning I wake up thinking of her. And I mean, it’s not just the mornings. I think of her all the time.
Yesterday was another great day (and with no Ritalin). In many instances of the day I thought of her. Got free tacos, beer, and wine, in a posada by Estación Federal. There I thought “she would love this.” And I would have loved her to be there. I just stood around by my lonesome for many gaps of time wishing she was there. Other times I was talking to friends and neighbors exchanging common pleasantries. It was nice.
I’m getting better. Concentrating on work. I think the infatuation will die soon.
Fuck do I miss her though…
Oh. Yesterday was good too.
Yeah. Not only did the piece got accepted, but I also got to talk to the bosses a bit more before the end of the year. Pitched the column I wanted. Got rejected, but introduced the idea of more work. And I want more work.
WORK WORK WORK!
I took the opportunity of the free tacos and beer for also work. Yeah… I had a Reader with me and talked about the ads that I sell and what not.
In also way good news… My mom is not that sick! She has some back issues, but that will get resolved soon.
It still scared the shit out of me and I still want to be a better son and work harder.
More Reader work work work!
The new cover is out today.
I’m excited. I could easily ask the art director what the cover is before it gets published or when she is done designing it… but I like just waiting for it. I always send them A LOT of fucking pictures. This time it was 156 pictures… So it’s always exciting to see who is the winner for the cover, who is the winner for the inside, and the rest.
It should get posted in a few hours.
The cats are hungry so I will wait. And soon will lay down the work base for my following days. No picture gigs. Some writing to do. Christmas approaches fast and I have got no presents except for the kids…
I should do some Christmas shopping before the weekend…
AND THE FUCKING CAR.
Oh god. The end of the year is so soon already.
This will probably be the last post of the year.
22 covers out of 52 somewhat possible (many are just illustrations).
22 and 1/2 is my favorite number. And that story I just finished yesterday was a cover for a second and got demoted to inside feature.
22 covers and a 1/2.
(not really, I got more halves in there… so its around 30+?)
I love it.
I took a lot of pictures of high rises. I will probably post one or two on IG. It was a really fun gig. Nothing went like it should have but everything went well enough.
A lot of inside pictures as well.
That’s how the year ends!
All in a positive note while still listening to depressing music.
Though I spent a lot of time depressed, it was a great productive year. It was also fast and sort of lonely. I didn’t achieve everything I wanted but things that I didn’t expect happened.
- I quit doing tours, that’s been a really nice break from the insanity.
- I went on two trips, I gotta do that more often, traveling makes me happy.
- I got a lot of picture covers. It was great for the most part, I still love the gig though sometimes I am tired of it.
- Wrote my first book. Decided it was shit so I’m not trying to publish it. But at least I got it done.
- Got more gigs with the magazine and got a bunch of articles published.
- Photographed three weddings.
So… all things considered, it was a pretty good fucking year.
And for sure getting a car soon.
2019 is looking pretty for me. No penthouse and student loans are up my ass. But still looking real pretty for me.
For the world… fuck. Who knows. 2019 doesn’t look that pretty. 2020 though…