I have come to the conclusion that I am taking a hiatus from this blog.
Stranger commented again and apologized for his previous comment while I was on the phone with my girlfriend.
A conversation that continues until this point except via text instead of the phone.
It was over two hours of a sad conversation. Of ending things.
Stranger. You were right. Or maybe you are right again.
All I know it’s I’m taking a much-needed hiatus from this blog.
I rushed it. I freaked out. Ripped off the band-aid and tapped out.
I’ve been watching a lot of Hot Ones, the stupid hot chicken wings show with an interview. That has nothing to do with anything. I just want to say that I tapped out.
I tapped out.
I told my girlfriend that things have come to an end.
She doesn’t want to live in Tijuana. I don’t want to live in Monterrey.
She needs to concentrate on finding a job. Finding herself. Finding a future in the mix of uncertainty.
I need to keep on working. Move forward. Continue with my stupid cross-border lifestyle.
It’s been less than a fucking week.
As of now, the idea still stands that I’ll go visit her in Monterrey. Because I have a bunch of work to do next week, starting tomorrow, I’ll be really busy. My only sort of day off is on Monday. And it’s not really a day off.
I just realized I work all week starting tomorrow.
At least I’ll be busy so I’ll be distracted from my current situation.
A situation that I rushed.
I did not bargain for one year or more of a long distance relationship with a blurry future.
See each other once a month? How?
Seems like a fantasy…
One that I don’t really see happening. Or not going that well.
Right before she left, when she was packing, she was picking up all her stuff. She kept asking me if she should pack all or leave things. I kept saying “well, you are coming back, just leave this or that.”
I didn’t realize the subtle hint that she wanted to pack it all because she didn’t really want to come back.
So my choices are.
- Go back to my single life.
- Deal with a long distance relationship.
Let’s analyze them.
Going back to my single life. The apartment can get lonely and it’s somewhat depressing. My cat comforts me but he is also a dick. But my single life is also pretty exciting. Especially in a city like this. I can go out any night into the wild and find something to do. Fuck. I could leave my apartment right now and look for adventure if I felt like it and it would be a wild night. And if it all fails. Go to Nelson and do nothing.
I don’t have much to worry about besides my cat. I’ll continue working and making more money. I can do more photography gigs.
The original plan before meeting her was to try to do the hipster photography with girls. Creeper-style. Like my brother used to do.
Photographers are fucking creepy.
The wild lifestyle.
Maybe get back into music. Start a band. Party more. Be a waste.
A human waste.
I feel like a scumbag.
That’s option 1.
Be a dick narcissistic asshole that only cares about himself and his cat.
Deal with a long distance relationship that I don’t have my full heart on.
When I met her, I skipped a trip that I had to Mérida to be with her so she wouldn’t go back to Monterrey. It’s been one of the best and weirdest years of my life. I settled down. I only drank and ate with her. My whole world revolved around her.
Don’t fuck it up, Matt. Don’t let her go. She’s the best woman you’ve met in your life.
That’s what I kept telling myself.
But then it became a “just put up with her.” Counting the days. As if married. But in a bad way. Like a marriage where I always felt constantly nagged. But also loved. I was comfortable. My friends like her. My family likes her. I like her. My cat hates her.
But not completely satisfied.
More like I had given up.
This was my life. I was, in a way, stuck with her. Unless either of us fucked it up.
I had come to terms with it. I’m 31. We look good together. It’s a sensible choice.
And everyone else seems to be in a relationship. Everyone seems to know what they are doing. But they don’t.
A lot of friends are also single. Or divorced.
Better alone than in a shitty relationship, right?
My relationship wasn’t shitty at all. It just feels shitty now.
It’s not only the long distance.
It’s the different views of the future. I see nothing but uncertainty. She came to Tijuana not knowing what to expect. She found me. But nothing else.
She went back to Monterrey planning to come back. But she’s decided to stay there because work opportunities are better. And because she can’t deal with Tijuana anymore.
Now I went back full circle again.
Like I have for the past hours.
More like days.
Thinking about this.
My shitty situation.
And what do I do when I can’t decide?
I fucking flip a coin.
I flipped a coin and it landed on break it up.
My heart sank when I saw the result. I’m still not sure if it’s the right decision.
That’s why I need to take a hiatus from this. And most likely social media in general.
No Halloween this year.
Or no weekend Halloween.
There’s still the actual date on Tuesday.
But I’m depressed as fuck.
I can’t help to think I’m committing a mistake.
EITHER FUCKING WAY I CHOOSE.
It feels like it’s going to be bad.
How do people even start a relationship or break up?!
I’m too new to this.
I’ve never really dated anyone like this before.
I started to look at celebrity breakups just to see who would be interesting to post a picture of for this hiatus post. There are so many of them. Short and long relationships. Less than a year is not a lot. But considering we lived together since day 1, it’s actually a fucking lot.
Benjamin Button relationship.
Perhaps the seeing each other every month might work.
I just don’t see it right now. It just seems like a weird fantasy.
Long distance doesn’t work.
It’s dumb. I tried it over a decade ago and it was fucking horrible. It ended horribly.
No matter what. There’s going to be pain.
There’s already a lot.
I broke her heart.
And I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever.
I apologize to anyone who follows this stupid shit or was rooting for my relationship to work.
I don’t know when I’ll be back.
Or if I’ll be back.
Posting this tomorrow before I go to work at a bar for an upcoming story. I have to be in some bar at 10 am for NFL.
And continue to deal with my decision. Can’t help to feel like it was rushed. Can’t help to think it is the less wrong of the two decisions.
I barely slept. I need to cross the border for a gig.
Credit to CatanaComics.
8:30 am. I have to go to a bar (for work, and for pleasure).
That’s where you’ll find me.
Cheers to the love once had. Cheers to the love that is gone.
Not sure when this will be back.