I feel empty. Sort of incomplete.
Like I lost a limb. An extension of myself.
My girlfriend broke up with me. Or I broke up with her.
I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend for 2025. Not beyond that. Another year. The first one went fast. I love being with her. She wants more. I don’t think I can give her more.
She doesn’t want a day to day relationship. It wasn’t day to day. But I can’t promise her eternal love.
A client on a tour asked me if she was the one. I replied “I don’t believe in the one.” She said then that she wasn’t.
I don’t believe in the one. I believe in many “the ones.” There are too many people in this world for just to have one soulmate.
And for 2024, we united as one. 2025 could have continued like that. But it can also cause more pain. The least thing I want to do is cause her pain.
There are only a handful of women I’ve loved in my life.
First is my mother, and that’s a different kind of love. It’s going to be 6 years without her now. I feel empty still. A different life.
Second was a girl I fell in love when I was six years old. To this day I still admire her and think she is one of the most gorgeous woman in the planet. But her love never corresponded me (I think she’s gay). It was never true love despite feeling like I couldn’t breathe without her… I was a teenager when I thought I was going to marry her.
Third was my girlfriend in college. I was addicted to her and she cheated on me. I have never felt such agony in my life. I still loved her.
Fourth was my ex. It was similar, except she didn’t cheat and the agony wasn’t as strong. The first two weeks I shrugged it off. She was going to be back I thought. She never did. It took me a while to get over her, but life went on. I still loved her.
And now her. I don’t want to call her an ex. It makes me sad. I’m going to miss her. No one has ever known me like she knows me. She knows all my secrets, more than I know me. It’s like losing a best friend and best lover at the same time. I still love her.
I don’t want to leave her. But it’s a classic that if you love her, you must let her go. She deserves someone that fully loves her. I want to. I just don’t have it in me. I don’t know if I ever will fall again like I have in the past. But that’s not strong enough to keep this going on. Just the wanting to fall in love hard but not the love itself. Disney love. She gives me more love than I give to her. That’s unfair.
I got her a cute Polaroid printer for Christmas. My idea was to fill a box with happy memories of us. We make a great team together. I wanted 2025 with her. Who knows if I wanted beyond that, and that’s scary. When I think of my future I think of myself, escaping this life to create a new one. She could be there, but I don’t think she wants to follow.
I feel heartbroken. I feel like I miss her a lot though she is barely gone. I want to say I want to make it work. But I don’t want to hurt her more.
It feels incomplete. A great relationship that wasn’t meant to be. It’s that a thing?
I cried three times already. It’s hard to talk about it.
I write this way before the weekly Monday. I won’t publish it until then. I just needed to write my feelings.
She gave me until Saturday to make a decision. But it won’t feel the same way anymore. I tried to be a great boyfriend. She was the best girlfriend anyone could have asked for. 10/10 review.
We watched a mediocre Finnish movie, or perhaps it was Swedish. From around that peninsula, that’s not the point. I forgot most of the movie but when the characters said I love you, the husband or the wife or the kid would say “whenever you say I love you, I love you 2 times more.”
I started saying something similar to my girlfriend. It rings true more in pain. Whatever pain she’s feeling, it’s 2 times worse on me. It’s my pain, and the burden that I have inflicted on her.
Love always come with a side order of pain.
It took me a while to look it up. It’s called Let Go. And it is Swedish…
Let go…
Thursday. Day 1 without her. It’s not like I haven’t been without her before. But I mean, day 1 without texting her (at 11:11 usually). Or sending memes or other social media nonsense (relationships in 2025). Or what used to be a relationship.
Walk by an elote place, think of her. Order a hazy beer, think of her. Go to her favorite tacos, think of her. A million examples, think of her. This has happened before.
It doesn’t feel like the end. This chapter in life felt like it could keep going for longer. I don’t know how much longer. But it did have an end. And knowing that, she prefers to end it now.
I’m keeping the first printed picture from the printer I gave her (por favor). It’s us kissing underneath the Space Needle. It’s my favorite memory of us in Seattle. I wanted to recreate something similar but in New York this year…
I am finding flights for cheap. $200 from San Diego…
Grass is greener on the other side. Traditional non-sense. Yes. I imagine my single life. It sometimes sounds great. I have a lot of followers and I get random messages from women persuading me. Obviously, they’ve gone ignored. Or I would reply, feel guilty and deleted it seconds later.
But day 1. And the reality of single life also hits. The boredom. The lonely hours. The laziness that is to meet a new person. A void of feelings. Nothing matters.
I need to keep busy unless I fall in a pit of depression. I am getting old. And I have a business opportunity I created. My brand is growing popular. I shall expand.
Ensenada Adventure is now a thing. I have to go over and make new content. And new tours. And new merch from over there.
Mexicali Adventure next. And Baja Adventure. And I should write more. I go on a creative trance after heartbreak. Silver linings.
Perhaps I am addicted to that because I know it will feed my creative side.
I am a male Carrie Bradshaw.
Tijuana Adventure 2 is going to be a hoot… I already started, now I need to write it.
And what will be of friends and family. It’s my niece’s birthday soon. Also, the anniversary of my mom’s passing. And I will also have a bachelor party tour…
Her family was great and supportive. Her nephew was chill. And I enjoyed hanging out with her brother. A very welcoming family.
Friends. A lot of her friends are great. I will miss some of them. Others disliked me. Or so it felt. I didn’t want to hang out with some again… which would’ve been a bit troublesome but not really. They will all probably hate me now.
Social media posts with her… so many great ones. I don’t want to delete them but I know the right is to do so. She wanted to be less and less on them. I wanted her to be more and more…
This is sad and tough. It would be sadder and tougher later. Perhaps that’s why the forever exists. After so much time, it just makes sense. Though some couples break after decades. Making it last just because we were taught that you get one soulmate and you don’t want to fuck that up.
Hooray for polyamorous people. They figured it out. Though I am sure they have their issues.
I am writing this at a bar. There is a very drunk man next to me. He interrupted me to ask me the time. He was holding his phone and the time was clearly there.
He interrupted me again so he can go to the bathroom and I can look over his bag. On his way out he told me he was an alcoholic. That he quit for two years and he is back since 2 days ago and he can’t stop.
He asked me if I knew alcoholics. I held my beer up and I said you speaking to one.
He said I didn’t know true alcoholics. I said with all due respect, my mother died of alcoholism (half truth). He got sad and he said I am sorry, we are all going to die.
I said true, but it’s not a good way to die and if you continue in that path you will. He started sobbing.
I got up with my beer and started typing this.
Salud.
This is going to be a very sad blog post. The saddest of all 2025. It has to be. Because it can’t get much worse.
It obviously can. I can lose a real limb instead like just feel like I lost a metaphorical one. Or the world could end. It sure feels like it has for the past few years.
Monday. Second Monday of 2025. Posting time.
She read all of that you just read. She responded. We talked.
We are still together after all.
She wants commitment, not promises. I thought we were already there.
She wants family and to live with me. I thought we were already there.
She also says she doesn’t believe in the one. Which made me think she might be the one.
Relationships are a lot of work. I need to put more work in it.
Today is our 17th full moon together. 501 nights. 2025. Here we go.
Not that sad after all.
Ensenada Adventure will be a reality.
Follow the new Ensenada Adventure Instagram.
My friend Kelvin an Ensenada local will help as a tour guide. If I have a tour in Tijuana, he will handle Ensenada. I will be doing tours there to start and then we’ll see how it goes.
Ensenada Adventure merch will also be a thing. I love Ensenada. I’m not sure if this will prompt me to move to Ensenada. Probably not. But I will be spending more time there.
Mexicali Adventure might be a thing as well.
Then Baja Adventure.
Adventure galore.
And it all started in Tijuana Adventure.
Book 2 should be a reality.
So much work to do. But I’m so lethargic.
My apartment is freezing and it makes me not want to do shit. I haven’t even made the bed yet. The cat snoozes happily on the unmade bed. I don’t want to move him.
I have a lot of work to do.
This blog post needs a picture. There are no new pictures.
My new little video camera is great. I use it mainly for video, but it can also take decent wide angle pictures. I should have used it for that and have a picture for this blog. Alas. I do not.
I failed my mission of a new picture. Here is an old Ensenada picture instead to illustrate Ensenada Adventure point. The Vicmar.
I need to print more pictures. Add it to the things to do for work. Tony Vega at the entrance of Pasaje Rodríguez sells my pictures for $5. I leave him a bunch. I make money for doing nothing.
I have more merch. Buy my merch.
Buy my shit!
Buy my books!
Buy my posters and prints!
Buy my shirts!
Follow me in all the social medias. You know the drill.
Buy my books on Amazon. I’m sure you’ll enjoy them.
Subscribe to my YouTube. The more subscribers, the more money, the more time I have to upload cool shit.
Follow me on Instagram and book me for a photoshoot!
Follow me on TikTok just because it’s the thing we do in the future.
Book a Tijuana tour with Tijuana Adventure! Still doing exclusive tours in 2024. Let’s see how much longer I last.
Read all my articles on the Reader.
I have a late night bachelor party tour this weekend. More tours in Tijuana and more tours in Ensenada. And more work. I still need more work because I find myself constantly broke. Make more money. Spend more money. I still want to buy a house.
Thanks for reading.
Matingas 
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